Father redirects $1,000 in daughter’s monthly support to save for retirement after she makes it clear she won’t care for him in old age: ‘I realized I don't want my future to be in the hands of someone who intends to lord that over me’

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Oct 21, 2025 3:00 PM EDT

Parent and child arguments can cut deep, but few hit harder than when affection turns into accounting. A father supporting his daughter through post-college life suddenly finds himself questioning the entire arrangement after one blow-up about a messy kitchen. In the middle of it, his daughter throws out the kind of line you can't unhear, telling him not to expect her to care for him in old age. It sounds impulsive, but her words linger longer than the argument itself. He starts rethinking the thousand dollars he sends her every month and wonders if it might be wiser to save it for a future where he depends on no one.  

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  • WIBTAH for financially cutting off my daughter after she told me not to expect her to care for me in my old age?

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  • My (44m) daughter(23f) does not get along with my wife. We have been married 2 years.
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  • My wife and I got together when she was at college. My ex wife doesn't like her, and i have a feeling that is the biggest part of it.
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  • My daughter can't really seem to point to what she doesn't lime, just general "she is a stuck up b", or "she always has an attitude".
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  • My daughter recently graduated, and we have been helping her pay bills here and there as she looked for a job in her field, we usually give her around $1,000 a month.
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  • Recently she was at our house, and her and my wife got into an argument over my daughter leaving a mess in the kitchen.
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  • As I tried to diffuse things my daughter started screaming that I was a POS for siding with my wife, and that she was going to remember this when I am older and need her.
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  • This floored me. At this point I just walked away. after giving it some thought, I realized I don't want my future to be in the hands of someone else, especially someone who intends to lord that over me.
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  • I would never place the expectation on her to care for me, but I do feel like since she has made it clear that any support from her in my old age would come with strings, it makes more sense to invest that money, so that my later years will be paid for.
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  • So, WIBTA if I redirect that 1000 a month into my retirement vs helping my daughter?
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  • NAH Techlet9625 No one is owed anything. Also feels like there's a general lack of context about their relationship.
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  • OP Virtual-Cup-5932 There isn't. We met and married while she was at college. My wife and I moved to a house together. She visits, but just avoids.my wife. They don't really have much of a relationship at all honestly. I usually visit my daughter at her place or we go somewhere because she doesn't want to come to the house. My daughter and he mom are a bit crass and my wife is the opposite, so they just aren't comfortable. There isn't any particular "issue", my daughter burps, farts, cusses, tal
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  • NTA DJ4116 You can do whatever you want with your money. After 18, you don't owe her anything. In that same respect, she doesn't owe you anything in your old age either. lol.
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  • OP Virtual-Cup-5932 And I'm not asking her to. Im investing my money into that so she won't have to worry about it.
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  • gretta_smith93 When did you and your ex wife divorce?
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  • OP Virtual-Cup-5932 12 years ago
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  • gretta_smith93 How exactly did the argument go? Like your daughter made a mess then your wife asked her to clean it up and your daughter just starting lashing out?
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  • OP Virtual-Cup-5932 My daughter made herself food and left a mess in the kitchen. In the past, if I or my wife have said anything, she says stuff like "God let me eat!!!" Or "I was going to!', so my wife left it (I wasn't aware at this point) to see if she would do it on her own. When she said she was leaving, my wife told her she needed to clean up and she said she was in a rush. My wife told her she should have done it before then, and asked if she just expected her to clean up after her. And
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  • gretta_smith93 Was it civil?
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  • OP Virtual-Cup-5932 Yes, he mom initiated it.
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  • essohgee Put $1000 a month into a retirement fund..
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  • Strange_Pop_3673 So your daughter made a mess, your wife told her to clean it up and she refused, and then she got butt hurt about it? You raised a winner there, OP! NTA
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  • Tashaaa2021 NTA. She called you a piece of shit while you're paying 1k/month in bills for her. The audacity! My parents gave me nothing during college and after!! She sounds extremely ungrateful. Cut her off immediately and indefinitely. She's got a college degree. Time to grow up. Now you can show her what a real piece of shit you can be.
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  • pizza_danger NTA - Tell her you need to divert the funds you were giving her to ensure you're cared for as you age.
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  • hideme21 NTA. Your daughter got upset because your wife expects her to clean up after herself?
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  • It’s an uncomfortable but familiar crossroads in modern families. Money moves between generations, but expectations often move faster. Parents want gratitude, children want freedom, and somewhere between the two, support begins to feel like leverage. 

  • Family loyalty starts to look transactional once someone names the price. Deciding to save instead of spend on a grown child is not cruelty, it is a quiet correction when generosity stops being respected. There is no happiness in paying for resentment. The father’s choice is not about revenge or punishment. It is about realizing that long-term security might matter more than temporary harmony. Sometimes love means helping from a distance, especially when help starts feeling like a negotiation instead of care.

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family drama inheritance mother tradition family feud favoritism daughter retirement financial support Father
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